Many of us have been taught that grief is bad and should be avoided at all costs. This outlook transforms a natural, healthy experience into something taboo and often results in unnecessary disconnection and isolation. The good news is that grief literacy (knowledge about grief and grief support) is a skill that can be learned. To help you get started, here are three things to avoid when supporting someone who is grieving, along with three strategies to try instead.
3 Common Pitfalls of Grief “Support”
Trying to “Fix” Grief
It’s hard to see someone suffer and it’s natural to want to do something to help. But here’s the difficult truth about grief: we can’t fix it. Attempts to do so can leave the grieving person feeling unseen, unheard, and invalidated, which can exacerbate their pain. That’s because, deep down, these expressions are rooted in the instinct to control situations that make us uncomfortable rather than an intention to nurture genuine connection and empathy. “Fixing” is often expressed through platitudes like:
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “Time heals all wounds.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
“Fixing” can also take the form of toxic positivity, or “bright-siding.” This is when we tell someone who is navigating a loss to focus on the positives about their situation. It’s possible to feel gratitude while grieving, but one does not cancel out the other. Watch for statements that insist on gratitude and/or start with the words “At least,” like:
- “Be grateful for all the good times you had together”
- “At least they’re not in pain anymore.”
- “Look how much you’ve grown from this experience!
Stealing the Show
Many of us were taught to “empathize” with someone else by sharing our own experiences. We think this will show the other person how much we “get it” and help them feel less alone. This is a beautiful intention. Unfortunately, when we do this with a grieving person, it often doesn’t land the way we intended. One reason for this is that sharing can lead to comparing (or the perception of comparing). When we learn about someone’s loss and immediately tell them about a loss we went through, it has the potential to invalidate the uniqueness of their experience and can feel dismissive. This often comes in the form of statements like:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “I understand what you’re going through.”
- “I went through the same thing.”
Another reason this isn’t the best approach is that it shifts the focus of the conversation from the grieving person to us. Grief author and advocate Megan Devine refers to this as “Grief Hijacking.” While what we might mean to convey is, “I’m someone you can talk to about this because I’ve been there and I understand,” jumping in with our own story without the other person’s consent is often received as “There’s no space for me to talk about me and my stuff because now we’re talking about you and your stuff.” This can look like:
- “I’m so sorry about your mom. When I lost my mom, I…”
- “When my brother died, what really helped me was…”
- “Losing a pet is so hard. I remember when my dog died…”
No matter how similar the circumstances may seem, every loss and — and every grief — is unique and we need to treat it as such. Read more examples of comparing that looks like sharing.
Tough “Love”
We might think we have someone’s best interest at heart when we try to push them to get back to “normal.” But this approach fails to recognize the reality that grief isn’t something we complete; it’s something we learn to integrate into our lives as we move forward. Tough love also fails to account for the fact that grief changes us. The grieving person and what’s normal to them will not be the same as it was before their loss.
The tough love approach can look like rushing someone’s grief via phrases like:
- “It’s been six months, why are you still so sad?”
- “I can’t believe you’re still not over it.”
- “You’re still wearing your wedding ring?”
[Hint: The word “still” can be a subtle indicator that you’re conveying judgment whether you mean to or not.]
Tough love can also involve pressure, shame, or judgment masquerading as “encouragement.” For example:
- “You need to stay strong.”
- “You need to move on.”
- “You’ll get over this eventually.”
3 Strategies for More Meaningful Support
Presence
Presence is more than just being in the same space as someone. In the context of loss and grief, it means being emotionally available to them. It’s an energy you give off that communicates, “I’m here for you. I care about you. You’re safe with me.” The tricky thing about presence is that it feels passive. So much of what we’ve been taught about “support” is rooted in the idea that we’re supposed to achieve some sort of outcome (generally, that the person feels better). When we’ve been programmed with this performance-based mindset, sitting quietly with someone when they’re sad or scared can seem like the equivalent of doing nothing. But it’s incredibly powerful.
Non-verbal examples of presence include:
- Sitting with someone or staying on the phone with them in silence because they don’t want to talk but don’t want to be alone.
- Allowing someone to cry in front of you without trying to stop them; encouraging them to let their feelings out.
- Asking someone how they’re doing and taking time to listen to the answer.
Verbal expressions of presence might be things like:
- “Tell me more.”
- “I’m here if you want to talk about your person.”
- “How is your grief?”
Authenticity
Grief is hard and weird and awkward. But here’s the good news: it’s hard and weird and awkward for everybody. Rather than being discouraged, we can take comfort in the fact that no one knows what to do when life gets hard, which means that no one expects us to have all the answers. In fact, the absolute best thing we can do when trying to offer grief support is to acknowledge the reality of our own shortcomings and approach the situation with humility. Phrases that express authenticity might sound like:
- “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and I’m here for you.”
- “I hate that you’re going through this. I wish I knew a way to make this better for you.”
- “I’m not sure what would feel best to you in this moment; would you like me to respond, or do you just want me to listen?”
Validation
We all have access to a tool that will pretty much always lands better than platitudes, advice, or pep talks. That tool is validation. If someone tells you about something hard that happened to them and shares big feelings they’re having, one of the most supportive things you can do is to simply validate their experience by saying something like:
- “You have the right to feel that way.”
- “It makes sense that you feel that way.”
- “I can tell this is really important to you.”
Validation can also mean countering misconceptions about grief and societal pressures towards resilience at all costs by normalizing the reality of grief and encouraging self-compassion:
- “It’s okay if you’re not okay.”
- “Take all the time you need.”
- “Try to be gentle with yourself.”
A Final Thought
A final note: mistakes will happen. Grief involves big feelings and when feelings are big, the potential for misunderstandings can be big as well. The ability to repair a rupture in a healthy way is one of the most valuable skills any of us can learn. It’s what allows us to continue to grow a relationship with someone beyond a moment of disconnection. A mistake doesn’t need to be the end of your efforts to support someone. It’s important that we own and grow from our mistakes. It’s equally important that we do not let our guilt or frustration shut down continued attempts of support. Grief can be isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. We can get better at grief, one authentic expression of awkwardness at a time.
Zero-Cost Resources
If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, WPSU has created several free resources that can help:
Speaking Grief is a public media initiative that works to create a more grief-aware society (made possible with funding from the New York Life Foundation).
Learning Grief is an online resource created to help caring adults help kids and teens navigate the big feelings that come with loss (made possible with funding from the Imagine Learning Foundation).
Follow the Nudge is a web app that helps you provide meaningful, ongoing support to people you care about who are grieving (made possible with funding from the WPSU Innovation Fund).
About the Author
Lindsey Whissel Fenton, M.Ed.(she/her) is an Emmy award–winning filmmaker, international speaker, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer and director at WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG).
The author is not a licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988. More information is available on the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline website.