November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month. An estimated 1 in 12 children in the United States will experience the death of a parent or sibling by age 18. And that number does not account for other bereavements, like grandparents or pets, or non-death losses like caregiver divorce or incarceration. Most of us weren’t taught how to understand and navigate our own grief, much less how to recognize and respond to children who are grieving. The little bit we are taught is often rooted in inaccurate or outdated information. Replacing these myths with reality can positively impact our effectiveness in supporting young people who are navigating loss.
Myth 1: Children and adults grieve the same way
Reality: Children’s grief is experienced and expressed differently than adult grief
Kids and teens grieve differently than adults. You may notice behaviors like temper tantrums, clinginess, hyperactivity, developmental regression, or difficulty concentrating. Children also tend to grieve in spurts or intervals. For example, you might notice them crying over the loss, then five minutes later, laughing and playing. There may be times when a child or teen seems to “re-grieve” the loss, even years after it occurred; although grief is always present, it may become more pronounced in response to activating events (e.g., a father-daughter dance at school). Children’s grief will also continue to evolve as they reach different developmental thresholds.
Myth 2: Adults should withhold information to protect children
Reality: The lack of information can be more harmful for children than the information itself
When children are not provided with information, they will fill in the gaps — and the stories they come up with can be even more distressing than the reality. In the words of founder of the breakthrough global parenting community, Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy, “Information doesn’t scare kids as much as feeling alone and confused in the absence of information scares kids.” While we don’t want to overwhelm a child, it’s appropriate and helpful to share the facts of a situation in an open and honest way. Use the “D-words”: dying, died, dead. Avoid euphemisms like “they’re sleeping now” as they can be confusing for kids and can leave them with false hope. Let the child guide the conversation. “Children won’t ask questions they aren’t ready to hear the answers to,” said Cristina Chipriano, LCSW, director of Training & Program Equity at the Dougy Center. If they are asking questions, provide the information they are seeking using age-appropriate, factual, and simple language.
Myth 3: Adults should hide their pain from kids
Reality: Children and teens need to witness adults experience grief and loss
As adults, we’re often conditioned to repress or downplay our own big feelings — and the young people in our lives notice. By trying to “be strong” and act like nothing phases us, we may inadvertently communicate to kids that their feelings should be ignored. Allowing a child to see you express your feelings is an essential part of their own emotional development. For example, if your mom just died and your child sees you crying, avoid the impulse to hide your tears and assure them that you’re fine (they know you’re not). Instead, try saying something like, “I’m feeling sad because I’m really missing your grandma.” This is a powerful way to communicate to the child that it’s safe for them to express their own big feelings about the loss.
Myth 4: It’s unhealthy for a child to talk about — or talk to — someone who died
Reality: Continuing bonds with the person who died is an integral, healthy part of adjusting to the loss
It was once thought that the “goal” of grief work was to relinquish our attachment to the person who died. Researchers now understand that maintaining a relationship with the person who died — known as continuing bonds — is a healthy, adaptive way to integrate loss into our lives as we move forward. In the words of Morrie Schwartz, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” There are activities you can do with a child to help nurture an ongoing connection with the person who died.
Myth 5: Certain youth are desensitized to loss
Reality: Some young people have been conditioned to hide their grief to maintain a sense of safety
If you observe what you perceive to be a lack of emotion from a young person who is grieving, be mindful of your assumptions. There are several reasons this could be happening that have nothing to do with how much the loss is affecting them. It may be that their identities (e.g., race, culture, etc.) contribute to expressions of emotion that differ from your concept of grief. It might also be that cumulative grief, collective grief, and/or intergenerational trauma have overwhelmed their capacity to process additional grief and/or that experience has taught them it is not safe to be vulnerable, especially with those who cannot relate to their circumstances. Dr. Tashel Bordere, assistant professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at the University of Missouri-Columbia, offers insight into harmful misconceptions around grief reactions in African American youth, stating, “I have never… sat across from a teenager or a young adult…in a research interview…who has not shared tears, who has not described the loss of their cared-about person as anything less than significant and devastating.”
A Final Thought
Supporting children who are grieving requires us to examine our own relationship with loss and develop awareness of the messages our behavior is communicating. In other words, what we do matters as much, if not more, than what we say. By learning to cultivate grief literacy in ourselves, we are providing a helpful guide for the young people in our lives.
Zero-Cost Resources
If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, WPSU has created several free resources that can help:
- Learning Grief is an online resource created to help caring adults help kids and teens navigate the big feelings that come with loss (made possible with funding from the Imagine Learning Foundation).
- Helping Kids Navigate the Big Feelings that Come with Loss is a webinar in which experts discuss how death and non-death losses can impact kids, explore differences between child grief and adult grief, describe how you can coach and model healthy coping and relational skills, and share strategies for how you can guide the young people in your life to offer meaningful support to their peers.
- Speaking Grief is a public media initiative that works to create a more grief-aware society (made possible with funding from the New York Life Foundation) and includes resources on supporting children who are grieving.
About the Author
Lindsey Whissel Fenton, M.Ed.(she/her) is an Emmy award-winning filmmaker, international speaker, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer and director at WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG).
The author is not licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by visiting the 988 Lifeline website or by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988.